Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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