i need an iv and a liver transplant
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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