Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
