the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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