I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
