We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
