i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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