This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
