Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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