You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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