I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
