I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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