At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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