my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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