please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think my moral compass just broke
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
