Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
