he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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