Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
