Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
