I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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