Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
