i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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