I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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