I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
