i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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