dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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