Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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