yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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