Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
