first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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