I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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