I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
