if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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