i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
