I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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