I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
