1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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