You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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