She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
