I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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