im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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