i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
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Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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