I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
