Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
