theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
50% drunk capacity currently
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
