I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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