It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
