How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
