Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.