Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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