Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
