he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
