normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
