11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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